How to get frisked by a lady viking and other interesting facts...

Flippin' eck. Things I have learnt over the last few weeks.

Never climb to the top of a castle battlements with 2 four year old boys with a penchant for running wildly in random directions who think they are probably dinosaurs. This is not good when there are sheer drops down 100 foot and only a metal barrier somewhere near the top of their heads to stop them. This must also be a big worry for Time Bandits, Hobbits and Sleepy and Bashful.

Never attempt to light a barbeque when it's so windy even the fire-lights blow themselves out.

Never also use a giant "for sale" sign as a windbreak-cum-fanning device for the bbq. A few minor burns later and I have learnt my lesson. I think.

So - last Friday - I headed off to mate Mal's wedding in sunny Sweden. And quite literally - I was flying solo this time. Leaving my wife and kids to fend for themselves in Blighty whilst I did my best to sink at least ten barrels of Swedish beer whilst doing my Swedish chef impression at the bar. As a hint to future tourists - these impressions don't necessarily go down as well in practice as they do in your head.

Malmo is a pretty cool place in the summer. Like Paris chucked into a mix with Eastern Europe. And the wedding was ace. A true cultural experience.

So we all pile in to the church - English contingent on the right - Swedish on the left. And the groom loitering around outside looking absolutely terrified. Then again - the best man wasn't far off. Odds on the lads fainting at the altar were pretty high. Ahhh, weddings are such relaxing occassions. And here's where it all goes a little European...

I was busy pointing out to the mother of the groom that it was traditional for wives to be at least twenty minutes late. And then the father of the groom was joining in..."yeah - they made my wife drive round the block twice just so she was proper late!". So there's a definite tradition here. But no...in Sweden the bride and groom walk up the aisle together. Where's the fun in that? Where's the amusement in watching your mate sweat and peer nervously over his shoulder for half an hour. Like a condemned man waiting for the firing squad.

Still - my good buddy Dom and I gave it our best shot in the "singing hymns in Swedish" stakes. As he pointed out - being half Polish Half East Yorkshireman gave him an edge in the linguistics stakes. I on the other hand quickly became unstuck - and following the lead of the best man and groom - adopted the classic "lip synch" silent singing approach. "Rhubarb rhubarb...hurdy gurdy rhubarb rhubarb".

Wedding over - we got down to the serious act of drinking champagne in the sun in the grounds of a beautiful pig farm (yes - a pig farm!). Although - as one of the guests pointed out as we first arrived. They look like cows! Cows on a pig farm?! Is that allowed? Again - the Swedes seem pretty chilled - so perhaps this wasn't a problem for them.

After a meal of lamb at the pig farm (the pigs had clearly bolted! - pigs after all are very intelligent - have you read animal farm?). We enjoyed no less than 12 speeches over the whole wedding (well - things did get a little hazy - but it was around and about twelve). The groom's work colleague, the brides best friend, the brides cousins, the brides father, the best man, the brides uncle. And every single speech was absolutely cracking. Where do they go to learn to speak so eloquently in public like that? And in a foreign language! Still - the best man lived up to British tradition - although I'm not too sure if "Willycopter" translated so well into Swedish. Sometimes there's just no translation for a word...thank god there were no actual demonstrations to explain it (as far as I'm aware).

In my capacity as "Dance canary" - which primarily involved staggering between the dance floor and back to my mates if a good tune came on...we managed to catch the last air guitar minutes of "Livin' on a prayer" before following up with a bawdy circle-hugging finale with "Come on Eileen".

I woke the next day feeling strangely and vaguely ok. I had perhaps forgotten about an incident at the hotel with a fire extinguisher and some of the details surrounding the Bohemium Rhapsody re-enactment a la Wayne's world on the bus on the way home. But..I shall never forget the detailed full-on pat down from the blonde female security guard at Copenhagen airport. Wow - that kinda thing just never happens in Britain. Next time - I'm gonna hide even more change in my jeans pockets!