Balloongate trauma, renovating the Pantheon Irish Stylee and the inevitable slide into a muddy ditch by half of my family

I walk in the door with Sarah. We've been shopping for essentials. Milk, Bread, Wine, Strawberry Splits and Rocket Lollies.

I dump the shopping in the kitchen and we begin to pack away the lollies before they melt. Caitlin comes running into the kitchen. Nana has been looking after her whilst we were doing the "big shop".

She's very excited and has demands.

"Er...Daddy..."

"Yes Cutie Pie..." (I call her this to disarm her, it throws her off her game).

"Blow my balloon up Daddy". She gives me a smile and jumps up and down with excitement. Her pigtails bouncing as she does. Ahhh so cute.

"Er...but this balloon looks broken..." I say. This is the well worn balloon she has been asking me to turn into a dog since Fintan brought it back from a laser quest party on the Friday.

"Blow it up Daddy".

"Ok". So I take the crickled up red balloon and begin to blow. I'm getting nowhere however hard I puff. I soon realise this is because there is a massive hole in it. It looks like a long red tongue lolloping from my lips.

I look over and Nana is telling Sarah a funny story that happened whilst we were out.

"So - Fintan and Declan found something in Caitlin's potty," she said between laughs. "Nana Nana, there's something red in Caitlin's potty. It's on the poo and sitting in her wee!" Apparently this was the most comical event the kids had ever seen in their lives. Even Nana was finding it stomach-splittingly funny herself.

I look up from my failed balloon blowing. Caitlin looking forlornly at me. I catch the end of Nana's story.

"So I took her balloon out of the potty, gave it a quick wash and gave it back to her..."

I stare at my mother-in-law in horror and spit the balloon out of my mouth. I run for the stairs three steps at a time and begin to rinse my mouth out with an entire bottle of Colgate mouthwash and then move on to squeezing tubes full of toothpaste into my poor compromised mouth. I feel like I'm living that scene from the crying game. (I'm sure it's the Crying game...if not - you get the idea).

I compose myself in front of the mirror, shake my head and wander downstairs. My entire family are now laughing at me. Apparently this is very funny.

"Who washes a poo-soaked broken balloon and gives it back to their child?" I ask - still in shock. Nana is laughing so hard. But between choking laughs she says she didn't think anyone would want to blow up an old balloon.

Silly me - what other possible function and activity would I use a balloon for?!

I take myself back to a happy place before balloongate. The week before in Rome with the family. We stayed a Gelato's stroll from the Trevi fountain in a beautiful apartment block with orange trees and lemon trees and a small fountain in the courtyard. Turtles (God knows how they got there) sitting trapped but apparently happy in the fountain. Eight in all. Although one never moved much and stayed pretty firmly stuck to the bottom of the fountain from what I could see.

I carried Caitlin around the entire Vatican including the Sistene Chapel - skipping the massive 2 hour queue by taking the worlds most boring tour guide. I can never take those minutes back but sincerely hope that if there is a purgatory - that tour guide will be forced to listen to the sound of her own voice for eternity. Trapped within it. The most impressive thing for me was Emperor Nero's 22 tonne purple marble bath. Wow. That must have taken about a week to fill up.

We explore the Colosseum on the Saturday which is more lively. And then bask in the warm spring sunshine as we cut a path through the ruins of the Forum and back towards the Pantheon. The Pantheon blows my mind. The worlds largest unsupported dome for centuries - millenia. So long in fact that they had to wait til Brunelleschi came along before they got anywhere close. We stand inside the temple / church. (They built it before Jesus was born). There's a large hole in the dome letting the sunlight and the elements in. Bright light against the dark shadows of the ancient building.

Sarah looks at this. "I wonder if they put a carpet down when it rains. Maybe they should cover that hole in the roof. You could slip on that marble".

A wonder of science and engineering. Possibly one of the greatest feats of architecture on the planet and Sarah wants to put a carpet on it and cover the roof. Thank God they never had a stable or garage for their chariots - or she'd have wanted to convert that too. Its the Irish in her! If she sees a garage. They have to convert it! It's practically the law!

We eat our bodyweight in Pizza and sink a few gallons of Chianti over the course of a few days. Bringing home Italian cheese and a bottle of wine each night to consume before disco time and bed (the kids took to breakdancing across the smooth parque floor of the apartment to Noah and the Whale, Bowie, Madness and the Cure).

Over the Easter holidays I manage to amaze myself by scoring my first goal in competitive hockey for 20 plus years for Chester 6s. I continue to tell my family that I am playing at an international level. With 3 members of the team playing for Wales and England. I fail to tell them that this is over 65's internationals! No need for detail. Ah the joys of a mid life Crisis and retaking up Hockey after a 2 decade sabatical! Later I referee the boys in their "animal magic" hockey match. This makes for an interesting match when you have no whistle, no clue what you're doing and 20 kids to chaperone round a pitch! Still - apart from Declan getting his hands smashed up with a hockey stick - it all goes swimmingly.

We attempt Cheshire Ice Cream farm over the weekend along with the entire population of Manchester and Liverpool and Wales combined. It's proper busy but the toffee ice cream cone takes the edge off of the pain. Fintan falls over on the farm by the Llamas in a tractor divot filled with mud and water. Caitlin quickly follows suit - leaving Declan as the sole winner of the "Can my family not fall over in the biggest muddy puddle" competition.

We go home and dream of tractors, chickens and red balloons. 99 red balloons..circling a potty.