The Gnome Handbag of great division, JLS Groupies in the midsts and rockin the birthday sing slam world

We land in Dublin despite the epic fog in Liverpool and Karina is there to greet us off the plane.

Fintan runs up and gives her a big hug.

"Karina? You know? We got you a bag for your birthday - it's a suprise!"

"Thank you Fintan that is so lovely..." says Karina.

Is there any way to erase her memory - to take it back? My only option is to bring on an immediate concussion. I consider slamdunkin' her into the ground - but this is probably not the best approach. She is dead 'ard and will likely pulverise me if I attempt this.

Instead we head out for a family dinner where the great present is officially revealed.

"Oh My goodness! Gnomes! A Handbag! Gnomes on a handbag" Karina is dead chuffed.

Andrew, her brother looks on in abject horror. Shock has settled in.

"We bought her a handbag? With feckin' gnomes on it?"

"Yeah - I was kinda angling for a playstation 3 but I got outvoted!" I tell him sombrely.

"Wait til we tell him the price," Sarah whispers to me and giggles. This is very funny.

"A feckin' gnome handbag? What's the world coming to?"

Indeed.

The following day - we meet Karina and her friends down the Dropping Well pub for a few jars. Half way through the night we begin an impromptu sing-off. Karina's friends begin with a sweet rendition of Happy Birthday to Karina. We reply with "Ding Dong the witch is dead! The witch is dead!" and join in with our very best munchkin impressions for added comedy effect.

They reply with a loving, heartfelt rendition of "You're beautiful" by James Blunt. And we slam them into the ground with "Who let the dogs out! Wooof wooof wooof woof!"

I've never had an impromptu sing slam in an Irish pub before but it's great fun.

Victory to the family is assured and as Andrew neatly sums it up - "however great your love for karina - our hate is greater!" Of course - in reality - that's not true - but the McGrane's if they are one thing - are a family of great messers!

In an attempt to redress the economic balance and pump some much needed euro wealth into the stuttering Irish economy - I do my fair bit - and order an excessive amount of the black stuff at the pub. The next day I will suffer - but I am happy in the knowledge that my dedication to improving the Irish debt situation will surely pay off.

We fly home on the Sunday - a family of hacking coughs, flu and general illness. At some point in the week Declan vomits everywhere - but it is a phlegm induced vomit and we feel good about that. Sarah goes away on a work course for the week - to somewhere remote and northern (Yorkshire I think). She calls me from the hotel that night after a few glasses of red.

"Sooo....guess who I've been talking to at the bar? Go on...guess?"

"Er...I dunno...Ronaldo?" I ask stupidly.

"No JLS! JLS!" She is hyper -excited. I need to talk her down. She is turning groupie on me.

"JLS!!!!" She giggles again.

"I told them they were very nice boys. They'd done very well for themselves."

"So basically - you talked to them like a grannie would?" I say.

"But they're so cute!"

"Ok - now here's the plan. You go back there and you get them drunk and bring them back to your room. We sell the story to the red tops and away we go!" I joke.

"Don't worry. I'm already headed back to leave my room key under their door!"

I am pleased she is having a good time. And mainly I am pleased because this means that when I eventually meet Kylie at some random five star hotel in Outer Mongolia - her on tour - me just loitering or waiting for some giant gas pipeline to be built. Well - then I will strike. I can sleep with Kylie with no fear of a come-back.

"Remember JLS! Remember JLS!" I'll tell her. Remember JLS!

Nursery are jealous. Girls at work are jealous. Boys at work scratch their heads and ask "Who are JLS?" Becky at work points out one little flaw in my plan...What if Kylie doesn't want to sleep with me?

"Are you mad?" I tell her. "Why wouldn't she?" There is an eerie silence. Hmmmm. I may need to work on that part of my plan. But I have time. Plenty of time...

Sarah calls the next day. "I just had breakfast next to JLS - they are amazing."

I fully expect the new fanclub to open from our address by next week.

In the meantime - Fintan has his customary injury-related trip to Casualty on Wednesday. The school call to tell me he's gone flying - hit the playground hard and bit his tongue and left a big hole in it. There is blood and shock and trauma. But by the time we get to casualty he has perked up and I read the Gruffalo to him approximately a thousand times before we are seen.

They check for bits of tooth inside his tongue and then he gets the all clear. Apparently - stitching a tongue back together can lead to high levels of trauma in children and is not the recommended approach for healing. I sigh a giant sigh of relief.

We walk back past the labour ward and I show Fintan where he was born and where mummy works. And then we eat alot of chocolate.

By the time Sarah returns at the end of the week I am a walking half dead zombie. But the kids are alive - albeit rather scruffy by the time we get to the end of the week. Luckily I had remembered all of Sarah's key instructions and written them on my hand on Monday.

"Feed the Kids!" was top of the list. "Pick up the kids!" was next. But actually - if you got the second one wrong - then the first was irrelevant. But I ran out of hand by then.

And today - Sunday. I have my first bath in roughly ten years and listen to the Duck radio play Paul Young and soothing eighties hits. For a short period of time I am at tranquil peace and my body doesn't ache quite so much. I get out of the bath and look out the window. The canal besides us is totally frozen. And the trees outside are caked in thick frost. It looks quite magical. And out of the bare trees - a small white feather floats and flutters in the still air - and swirls in the morning sunlight. And it reminds me of Milly. Perhaps it is a little hello. I say hello back and then we get on with the day....time to play monsters and chase the kids round the house...again.