Never on any account attempt to build anything Lego with a hangover. It's way too complicated. The Lego Police Van I was convinced into building with the kids had a twenty one page instruction booklet. Twenty one bloody pages! That's madness.
And when I finished. I still had five parts left over and the bricks on the side didn't line up with the sodding windshield. And then when I turned my back for a split second - all my hard labour is for nothing.
"Fintan. Where's the Police Van gone?"
"I broke it daddy. But you can fix it..."
"BOKEN!" Declan joins in with great animation.
I silently cry to myself. Hours of reassembling the same lego car lay ahead of me.
Later in the week I am in Liverpool with work. We park the car and are wondering whether to leave our laptops and mobiles in the car or take them with us. It's at this point that a man (I swear this is true!) walks down the street with a car door above his head. God knows what's happened to the rest of the car!
"Perhaps we should bring them with us?" we decide.
Mid week and Fintan and I are watching Human Planet. It's incredible viewing. This kid from Mongolia clambers down a rock face to steal a baby eagle from it's nest. Then he heads back to his yurt and trains it up for the next five months to hunt foxes so they can all eat. It's an amazing relationship. Fintan and I sit in wonderment. Fintan and I will never raise an eagle together and ride horses across Mongolian Plains. We shall never sip milk from the teat of a horse or get drunk on fermented yak milk. Hey ho. I can probably live with that. After all - is that kid with the eagle ever gonna sit and watch the entire series of Kung Fu Dino Posse on repeat for an entire weekend? Who's laughing now...?!
So - all is pretty wondrous up until the bit where the majestic young eagle swoops down and has a brutal claw to paw fight to the death with the rather terrified and angry young fox.
"Daddy. But is the fox dead daddy?"
"Er..yes. Remember in the Lion King. The Circle of Life? Well - it's like that isn't it?"
"Yeah - but the fox is ok isn't he?"
"But they ate him Fintan. He's in animal heaven now."
Tears begin to form. And things are looking bad. Oh Crap. Time for a rethink (note to self - never show Fintan Bambi).
"Actually Fintan - I just found out. The Fox is fine. It was a stunt fox for the programme. He's ok."
"Ok daddy. That's good. Cos you don't want to get eaten do you?"
"No - no you don't Fintan!"
He's gonna get a shock when I try to explain what's in Chicken drumsticks. I mean - I have tried - but it just doesn't sink in!
Later still - on Friday night - I decide to wear the kids out by dancing them to death for an hour. I put on Herp Albert (works a treat every time) and the kids do a little circuit where they climb on to the top of the couch and then jump off. This is ambitious stuff for Declan. He narrowly avoids head-butting the corner of the coffee table at least thirty times. Couch jumping is not for the faint-hearted.
Stupidly - I decide to bend over and pick up the rogue Triceratops with the three spikes that I've already trodden on twice today. As I do - Fintan seizes his chance - he's like a WWF wrestler - on me in a flash. Landing a flying pile drive to the neck and hanging on for dear life - using my neck as a grip point.
"MONSTER! Ride the MONSTER ARGHHHHH!" He screams in delight.
"I'm CH..o.k....ING Fintan..." I rasp. But have no option but act like a crazed monster and run around the room as black spots start flashing across my eyes.
I reverse slam dunk Fintan onto the couch and he roars with laughter. In the meantime - Declan has copped on to this new gag and clambers onto the top of the coffee table and makes a daring leap onto my back.
"Monster!" he yells.
Eventually I am brought to my knees. (Actually - this is whilst I am doing my body popping break dance moves on the floor). And I end up with both kids sitting on my back whilst Sarah looks on and laughs.
Which brings me on to my lovely wife. Only yesterday we are in the kitchen and I'm trying to make soup or something for lunch.
For some reason I thought it would be funny to poke Sarah with the spoon I was about to use for my soup.
"This is a great game," I think. So I flick her bum a few times with it and giggle to myself. Now admittedly - I had picked a bad time as she was emptying the dish washer at the time. So perhaps I could have been a bit more constructive.
I get a warning. "Tom. If you don't stop prodding me with that feckin' spoon - I swear I'm gonna hit you with this pan."
I laugh. She's such a joker - I think. I prod her again (this kind of messing is irresistable to all men!). Next thing I know - "Bang" - she's only gone and swung the frying pan at me!
"Arghhhhh!" I wail as I raise my hands in feeble defense!
"I told you! I told you!" And she is laughing and so am I. Thank God it wasn't the Le Creuseut. Or you'd be burying me under that casserole dish!
Later we head into the "secret garden" outside and feed THE DUCK. Half a loaf of bread and only one sodding duck bothers to turn up to be fed. Declan roars at the duck for a while. "BREAD. DUCK! BYE BYE DUCK!" before we head back inside.
Tomorrow is Valentines day - and I am fully prepped - kind of. Well - apart from flowers and stuff. But - where exactly is a bloke supposed to hide flowers for a week before hand? In the car? And - well - this is the really sneaky bit about Valentines Day. They make it so damned early in the year. Before spring has sprung and before you can legitimatley grab a handful of flowers from a neighbours garden. There aren't any snowdrops about anywhere - let alone Roses. Last year was bad enough. I was that man desperately riffling through the crap half dead petrol soaked flowers in the sand buckets at the Shell Garage (in the end I realised that a dead flower from a petrol station was worse than no flowers at all). And the Spar was open so I was saved! This year will be different - I assure you. Honest Sarah - it will!
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