On the scale of eventful months. Its been eventful. In which - Sarah ends up in hospital for a few days and gets put on bed rest for her and the baby, and I stupidly attempt to take the kids to Disneyland Paris on my own. My cardinal error was not informing all the authorities - the fire, air and sea rescue and ambulance services that I was entering France. It is a well observed fact that a member of the Arnold family cannot under any circumstances go on holiday without at least one visit to casualty.
Flying in the face of such certain odds, I set forth with the kids from Chester train station. Stage one. Get to London in one piece. A mini bag of Jammee Dodgers prove my saviour on the train. Ten points to Branson for that sales gimmick!
I trek from Euston to Kings Cross with Fintan carrying his mini backpack full of dinosaurs (you need at least thirty seven for a journey of this magnitude). I point out where I used to work to Declan who shows absolutely no interest until I produce a fruit shoot from my bag.
We meet up with "Nana Market" and take a double decker to the South Bank.
"Look kids. The Houses of Parliament!" I try to explain about the gunpowder plot a little. No reaction.
"Look - the River Thames!". Nothing. Tough crowd.
We get off at the South Bank and walk past a bunch of thirty years olds skate-boarding badly whilst trying to look cool - and the kids go mental.
"Look Daddy! Wow! Look at that! That's awesome daddy!"
We stand next to a big sign that Uncle John designed for the Olympics and take some pictures. Tourists look at us weirdly (we are standing next to the London Eye at this point and for most people - signage doesn't tend to float their boat quite as much as iconic landmarks).
We get back to the hotel and we have a "picnic" in the room, followed by bouncing on the bed for three hours.
And then we're off. The next morning we hit the Eurostar and three hours later we're at Disneyland Paris. And we're alive. I double check that I'm still in possession of two children. Check. Two kids.
By now - I feel surgically attached to the massive black ruc-sac on my back and the Mclaren thats glued to my arms with a child inside. Our ability to subsist relies on every carefully picked object placed inside that bag. Nappies. Haribo. DVD Player. Power Adapter. Ipod. Colouring Books. Crayons (for me). This is a greatly packed bag. Until I get to the hotel and realise that in my panic - I've packed only one jumper for each child. And it's about 2 degrees outside - with a thick fog sweeping in and threatening to turn us into giant icicles. Oh well. As long as I keep food off of them. They'll look as good as new. By day two - we are harboring small alien lifeforms in the fabric of their tops and ketchup is layering upon chicken nugget which is layering upon fermenting milk stains. By Thursday we'll have created a nicely rounded French Cheese.
The park is ace. Declan literally has some form of mental overload when he sees Woody and Buzz Lightyear at the parade. He manically shakes his head back and froth (like a victim in Scanners before their head explodes). And he points in gobsmacked awe!
"BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!" he screams for all his worth. Fintan waves frantically at Peter Pan and Goofy.
This is ace. I'm loving it. And despite the immense crowds. So far - I haven't lost a child yet.
We shoot the crap out of the Evil Zurg on the Buzz Lightyear ride and whilst we cruise around the "its a small world ride" I explain how "mummy used to work in Disneyland Paris - she worked on the potato cart". They don't seem overly impressed. Perhaps this is a right of passage for all Irish women.
Day three and I'm feeling pretty damned confident with this whole looking after the kids on my own in a foreign country malarkey. We begin to integrate with society fairly quickly and by lunchtime we are ordering "Le Royale" from the restaurant in Adventure land and are practically multi-lingual.
We meet Sanjib and Liz and the kids and things are going swimmingly. The sun has come out and its practically a heat wave. Eighteen or nineteen degrees. Which is pretty remarkable for Autumn. The kids are laughing - we are jesting - the families are catching up and all is happy in the world.
We stop at a Mexican-themed restaurant and that's when the giant heavy wooden table contrives to fall on top of Fintan's leg. I stare in horror. The Disney waitress stares in horror and offers us ice. Fintan freaks out - which is fair enough cos the table is really heavy. I take a look and get that gut-awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. A Mickey Mouse plaster might not cut the mustard here. A large chunk of leg is bruised and bleeding and I know whats' coming...the medic at the Disney site doctors stares at the injury and gasps.
"This will need at X-ray at once!" he says seriously. And I'm filling in accident forms and wondering quite how I explain to my wife how I managed to let a really heavy table land on our son and break his leg.
"Hello Sarah. Now I don't want to panic - Fintan's okay - but we just need to go to Casualty with the nice Disney man and get his leg seen to..."
"WHAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?! What the *&! The table fell on his what?!" Well - you get the picture. All in all - she took at well...I think.
Three hours later we're in a Paris casualty and Fintan is sitting on his hospital bed waving his free Mickey Mouse cuddly toy at the Doctor. In pigeon French I manage to say...
"le Tableuex - Kaput...Leg / Jambon - Le Garcon est ma pere!" and do my best mime impression of a table falling on a small boy's leg (we are after all in the great city of mime - the founding nation). What I think I may have actually said in translation was:-
"The table fell on the Ham and that boy is my father!"
An hour later. We are whizzing back to Disney - back stage - behind the scenes - where it all happens. It's an intriguing netherworld. Musicians sucking back on their last Galloise before they enter the happy fray once more.
And most importantly - there are no broken legs.
I look down at Fintan and smile at Declan.
"There are easier ways to earn a fluffy bloody toy guys. Much easier!" and we laugh as we head back for another two days at the park!
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