"Where are we going daddy?"
"We're going to a wonder emporium..."
"Where's that?"
"Near the playground that burnt down."
"Ok."
"Do you want to see the burnt down playground daddy?"
"yeah - why not."
So on the way to the Wonder Emporium (it does exist). We detour via the mangled mess that is the playground. It's a sad sight. Fintan and I gawp at the melted blue panneling around the climbing frame for a while and stare at the buckled metal slide as if it were some long lost work of Dali Surrealism.
What's the world coming to when someone burns a playground to the ground? Honestly. Maybe it's some sort of council directive. Bringing us back to the 70's. All we need are a few smashed bottles of magners strewn about the see-saw and the swings wrapped around the metal rails fifty times and we'd be there! Austerity measures see...out with the new and in with the old and defunct! Future proofed for decline!
We visit the giant life sized dinosaurs at the zoo for 2 weeks in a row now. The T-Rex is literally as big as a house and some of the dinosaurs spit water at us. Declan mainly screams "T-REX!!!!!" over and over again in wild abandon whilst Fintan tries to creep up on the water (aka venom) spitting dinosaur for five minutes. The kids won't pose in front of the dinosaurs - so in the end we get Fintan to take a picture of us next to the T-Rex. I am dead chuffed.
Later - Fintan and Declan throw coins in the magic waterfall (in the tropical realm).
"What did you wish for Fintan?" I ask (trying to get an early heads up for Christmas).
"I wished that no-one would eat the water buffalo any more daddy." He is quite adamant on this point.
I feel a pang of guilt. Stupidly - I told him as we looked at the water buffalo in their Zoo enclosure that I once ate a Buffalo burger and it was mighty tasty indeed with some ketchup. Note to self - this is never a good idea. After mentally scarring my child so early in life - I decide to be more tactful with Declan and change topics. So I pick him up to show him the crocodile.
"If you fell in the water with that crocodile Declan - he'd probably eat you!"
Declan stares at me - fails to register what I've said - and concentrates on screaming "A crocodile everybody! a Crocodile!" with great amazement.
My great problem seems to be - I'm trying to tell too much of the truth - I think I'm forwarning them - preparing them for their adult lives. Say - if they do ever stumble across a crocodile in the wild (deepest Wirral maybe) - they'll know that crocodiles are inherently dangerous to man. But I think my argument is flawed. They're just kids after all. Maybe they don't need this kinda forwarning just yet?
Only last week - I was sitting with Fintan and got dragged into the whole "But where is Jesus then?" conversation that periodically crops up.
"Well - he's in heaven with his dad - God"
"And did God make the universe daddy?" (This is the lowdown from school).
"Well - yes - he made everything." And here... here's the bit where I should have just shut my mouth. But stupidly - i decided to expand.
"Although Fintan...there is a theory - the Big bang theory that the whole universe came out of nowhere in a giant big Bang. See - there's this bloke called Hawkings..."
Never - ever - on any account go down this road. Within about 2 sentences you're so out your depth - it's truly frightening.
Friday week - Sarah and I were at a wedding - beautiful setting - amazing surroundings - by a lake. Rock band playing some fantastic covers. Within an hour - Chris had managed to peanut my tie and wedged it round my forehead Rambo style. I looked about the bar. Like a manic whirling dervish - Chris was busy creeping up on every besuited smartly dressed gent at the wedding and whipping their ties up and over the face and onto their heads. Within half an hour - the room was awash with an army of staggering boozed up Rambo's pogo'ing on the dance floor like deranged loons. Later still I slow dance with Sarah - and later still - somehow - I am twirling Jay around the floor like I'm some sort of Rumba dance legend...
Things get even better when the cover band closed the night off with the Stone Roses - She bangs the drums. Which was a turn up for the books as I think they were an Oasis cover band by natural trade - and were hoping for a rousing medley of Oasis hits to finish off the night.
Later that night at the bar - while I expounded to my fellow revellers on the merits of nicking the portaloo's at the wedding and hiring them out at Glastonbury under the monicka "poshbogs.com" - charging a tenner a dump (scuse the vulgarity - but there you go) - later - I bumped into the lead singer of the band. Stupidly I tried to see if he was interested in joining my poshbogs.com enterprise with my fellow wedding party goers (Jay and Sean). Never has a bloke given me such a look of utter aloofness in my whole life. It was like being sneered at by a weller / gallagher combo all in one glance. Brutal real brutal. But he'll be sorry when we hit the big time. I mean - these toilets had carpetted floors for gods sake! Carpet. In a portaloo. It's the future i tell you. The future!
I wander outside and simulate a flying butterfly silhouette against a massive tree in the distance (by cunningly standing next to the giant search light that's been set up for the wedding). Soon - I move on to batman signals - into the night sky. I am pleased with my efforts but am soon railroaded by some younger party boys - from the jackass school of hard knocks and japes. Next thing I know - there's two blokes simulating a certain manouvre Brokeback mountain stylee - and it's being projected and backlit up into the nightsky and a row of 50 foot trees for every party goer to see....Oh god - what have I started? And with that we make our exit.
My job is done here....for another night...
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