Three weeks ago we're making slow progress as we traipse across a giant field full of Declan-Sized cowpats. Things are made slightly more complicated by my brave yet foolhardy attempt to wheel a buggy across the field towards the "Pageant of Power!".
"Don't jump in the cowpats Fintan! Dirty Dirty!" Sarah hollers.
"Where are the stanks? Want Stanks!" Declan declares from the luxury of his mountain buggy. This is extreme off-roading for a buggy and I cringe every time I hit a rogue cowpat. Some of these are way too fresh and squealchy for my liking. But mysteriously - there are no cows. Up ahead I see a line of food stalls - their delights wafting towards me. I know what I'll be ordering...Fillet bloody steak and chips! Payback for the cow mines dotted every yard across the place!
We head into the enclosure. This place is brilliant. The noise is bonkers. I feel the urge to shout really loudly at my kids just because I can. The roar of engines and the distant hum of RAF helicopters whoomping towards us drown out everything.
Fintan jumps into a helicpopter and gets strapped in - ready to fly. Declan is a bit more suspicious and remains firmly emplaced in his buggy seat. Next thing we know - there's an almighty "KABOOOOOOOM!" and the kids nearly crap themselves. They look at me for confirmation - is it a friendly kaboom or a bad kaboom.
"Tanks! They've got tanks!" I shout at them manically. It's like being a kid all over again. All those hours spent with my toy soldiers blasting the crap out of them every weekend (the odd skirmish with my pet dog Maisie gave some of my Fusileers realistic amputations and war injuries) were about to realised in a truly humungous scale. They were re-enacting an entire battle in the field one over.
We race over to see a bunch of soldiers running across a field firing at a tank. Smoke everywhere and the thump of dummy rounds. Up ahead - RAF helicopters drop flour bombs (rather than flower bombs - which may or may not have been a more symbollic token) onto the forces below. The kids are mesmerised.
"Stanks daddy! Stanks!" screams Declan in delight.
"They're tanks Declan. Tanks. Not Stanks!" Fintan corrects him.
"NO FINTAN! STANKS! NO FINTAN!" he roars back.
These kind of arguments can actually go on until the end of time itself - so I nip it in the bud and we head over to these kid-sized Landrovers. I plonk Declan in next to Fintan and off they set. Wizzing across the field - leaving their "driving instructor" aka a terrified fifteen year old boy - to steer them back on course and away from the giant duck pond in the middle. Next we take on the kids rollercoasters and the fun-house before we head over to the racetrack and watch the classic cars hammer the gas and race round the track. The noise is immense and the kids are loving it.
There's a display area for the classic cars. I spot a classic Ferrari and a few F1 cars on display. And there's a large number of one-off antiques that have the kids enthralled.
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!" Declan grins as he stares at a 1918 classic that is about as long as a train and shaped like a missile. It looks stunning.
I turn my back for a split second and next thing I know I hear Declan shouting "Roary the racing car!" as he attempts to clamber into the priceless F1 car on display. I make a dive for him and manage to stop him clambering fully inside. Declan senses he is losing his opportunity and in desperation he clamps his wee little hands around the F1 wingmirror.
"Noooooo Declan....not the wing mirror! Let go!" I plead as a crowd gathers. None of the crowd look bemused. They look worried. Worried that an irresponsible dad has lost control of their kid and let them run amock amongst probably the worlds most highly valued assembled collection of historic cars ever seen.
"NOOOOOO Daddddeeeeee!" Declan moans as he hangs onto the car wing mirror for dear life. This is his only chance to drive Roary. Of this he is sure.
"Let go Declan!" Fintan joins on. My little deputy sherriff!
Eventually - I peel him off and we move on to to look at the racing boats - before finally we head home - but not before Fintan jumps in the police-car driving seat, presses the onboard police computer and begins pressing the buttons randomly. I look inside the cop car. It appears that he he genuinely connected up to the police network. For all I know - he's just sent out an APB to set up a roadblock on the M56.
"I think we should get out of here...he's turned it on..." Sarah whispers to me.
We smile at the nice policeman showing the kids how to don riot gear and we do a runner (not before Fintan "arrests" himself and demands to be put in the back of the police van. We duly oblige).
The week later - my sis is up with John and Lula. It's just amazing to see them again. We have an action packed time of it. Conwy castle, fish and chips looking out on Conwy harbour. It's perfect. And the next day we're off to Liverpool on the train.
We head round the maritime museum at Albert Docks - on the top floor they have an African Slavery section because of Liverpool's involvement with that historically. It's very educational. But the most amazing part - was the re-created African village and the African drummer dude in the corner of the village.
John and I surreptiously wander over to the guy playing his drum and Gazoo. We grab ourselves a drum and begin to hammer out a beat. I feel a bit of a malco but the guy soon gives us a hand. Sarah and the kids wander over and soon the whole family is sitting with an African drum between their legs and we're hammering out a funky beat to the main guy's lead. After five minutes we start to get more confident and he adds a few alternate rhythms. Declan is going mad for it and Fintan has somehow grabbed two more drums and is trying to play all three at the same time. Like a crazed "Animal" from the muppets.
We're beginning to slip into a happy trance when our lead drummer begins to sing. It's beyond mesmeric and I could truly stay there all day in this happy little drum bubble. But eventually we leave - to make African masks and to head outside and clamber over HMS "The worlds tiniest warship ever" which is having an open day in Liverpool.
The naval officer says it's okay for Fintan and Lily (Chris joins us half way through the day) to steer the ship and there's nothing to worry about - they can't break anything. But then as Fintan grabs for the big red button below the ship wheel - the Naval officer panics and updates his line..."They can press anything - except that button..." he adds. And there is fear in his eyes. I wonder what the button does. And urge fintan to press it for a laugh...but he doesn't. Shame really.
The day ends with a Vulcan fly-by to mark the anniveray of the Liver Building (100 years or so?!).
"Spaceship Daddy" Declan screams.
"Wow - it was a real spaceship daddy!" says Fintan beaming.
Tanks, Warships, Vulcan Bombers - is there no end to the military delights the North West will lay on just to keep my kids happy....?!
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