Today I stood at my front door for 2 minutes blipping it with my car keys and wondering why nothing was happening. This is a first for me and a worrying sign. However - let me know when they invent a door blipper device and count me in.
So it's 6 months since the last blog. And 6 months since Caitlin was born pretty much. Anyone would think there's some sort of direct correlation between sleep deprivation and the ability to blog. I do believe it has had a detrimental impact on my higher cognitive functioning. I mean - surely I know how to open a door? Apparently not.
I can't really blame Caitlin though. She's a dream baby. Sleeps for twelve hours at night - smiles when she wakes up and generally chills for the day. She is living my ideal life.
I think it's just a logistical thing. Takes time to get used to. I'd forgotten totally about sterlising bottles, winding babies, cleaning baby puke off your shirt. But it comes back pretty fast. The main rules are:-
a). Never wind a baby wearing a suit (unless it's made of paper. And wearing a paper suit is just a bit weird).
b). Never utilise the "nappy close range sniff test" to avoid a nappy change. This is Nappy roulette.
c). Always hold the baby when the football is on.
I'm not sure where to begin with the highlights of the summer. The Olympics, Euro 2012, the incessant rain? Well - there was the epic ten mile march into Phoenix Park, Dublin to witness the Stone Roses rock the city. Never before have so many middle-aged people attempted to recapture their Madchester Youth with such wild abandon. I never thought that day would happen. The Stone Roses reformed. So it was a bit special to see them. To be honest - they could have strapped a microphone to a chimpanzee and I would have sung along. According to some reports - this is exactly what happened. But not in my books. They were awesome.
Later in the summer we headed off to the South of France to somewhere in the mountains. Despite having 2 sat navs in the car (that consistently pointed us in opposing directions) we did manage to get about and see a bit of the countryside. The lowest point (in our adult eyes) was the world's officially sh*ttest dinosaur theme park / attraction ever. Sarah walks in and jams her leg on a rusty nail at the entrance.
"Are you ok Sarah - are you ok?!" I ask. "Didn't you see that big post there?" I can be really dumb sometimes.
"What do you think?" she manages through gritted teeth.
"Smile by the T-Rex with the kids"...I think Sarah is making strange victory signs at me with her fingers. How bizarre.
"You had a tetnus jab lately?" I ask with concern. Sarah tells me where to stick any possible jab.
We push the buggy over rocky terrain more suitable for a four wheel drive. every hundred or so yards in this forest there's a crappy half-arsed looking dinosaur made of cardboard and bits shadrag found in the tip. There aren't words to describe how bad it is.
However - the kids think it is the most awesome dionosaur theme park ever (it's also the only one they've ever been to either).
The prehistoric swamp has inadvertantly drained away to reveal dinosaur heads on metal poles. Fintan falls over and cuts himself and Declan is scared by the dinosaur roars emanating from a muffled speaker.
We leave and head over to the main part of the attraction - the caves. Apparently - these are some of the most awe inspiring caves in France.
"Is it safe to bring kids down?" I ask the French woman at the till.
She looks at me blankly. So I dig up my best GCSE French from the dusty shelf at the back of my head.
"Le Cave - C'est Dangerous pour les enfants?" I admire my ability to communicate as if I am an actual local. Perhaps she actually thinks I am French? That's how good I am.
She looks at me. Looks at Fintan and Declan who have just knocked a full pint of orange juice over themselves, looks at Caitlin asleep in her buggy and says.
"Non"
"Okay then kids, Sarah - let's go..."
The cave guide takes about thirty of us down into the cold gloom. We are in the middle of the group and immediately I start to pap myself. (To pap oneself is a technical caving term you understand).
I am holding Caitlin in my arms. Holding her tight. Like her and my life depended on it - which come to think of it. They do.
Fintan looks pretty scared but I try to remain dad-like and breezy.
"Wow Fintan look at all these steps going down..." I say cheerily.
725 steps later and I feel like I've been to hell and back. I can no longer feel my arms (they are shaking too much with adrenelin). It turns out that cave safety in France might not quite live up to the standards I'd been expecting.
The rusting, wet metal handrails and stairs led down, down and down into hell. Okay - so the views were spectacular. With sheer 100 metre drops either side. But not great when you first discover your child may have a fear of big dark cave-like spaces and a severe case of vertigo.
As a family we opt to stay at the first cavern as the rest of the group move on. I shout at the guide.
"We Remainee ici!" and he nods.
Are we going to be found dead in a few days time. Does the group come back this way? I don't know. We only have one baby bottle and 2 chocolate biscuits to sustain us. And just when it couldn't get any worse. The lights go out. They're on a bloody auto timer. Luckily the emergency exit signs flicker in the dark (even caves have emergency exits - astonishing!).
I put my phone light to my face and do my Blair Witch impression to raise our spirits.
"Josh! Josh!" I scream in comedy fashion. This doesn't help. So in the end we feed Caitlin her bottle at the bottom of the cave and wait for their return.
Twenty long minutes later they come back and we head up and out. Never has daylight been so welcome.
Later in the summer we head to Alton Towers. Declan takes me on the scariest ghost train ride ever and loves it. He then walks past Sid the sloth from Ice Age 4 and has a freak attack. Honestly - I can't work him out. That boy could sit through the Exorcist totally unfazed - but show him a man in a disney character suit and he's petrified.
Later that night the kids breakdance in the hotel lobby to a Robbie Williams impersonator standing in a giant pirate ship. Which is a hard thing to do - but impressive to behold.
Later still - we head to Center Parcs for a mini reunion with friends from Uni. I'm not sure how it happened but Simon's Yogic balancing on the pool table and the ensuing forehead carpet burn injury was a highlight. Only topped by reliving my youth on the gun games in the arcades, Simon winning the Disco dancing competition with his best Irish jig and plunging headfirst down the "lazy river" in the pool and wondering where exactly all your children had gone. Lazy river = danger!
And last weekend we manage to cram in crabbing in Anglesey, epic fire making and dingy rides in the Menai Straits (If you want to see Funny - imagine Chris in a dinghy with 2 kids when the engine cuts out - repeatedly. Never has one man persevered with a dud motor for so long and for so few...)
What more could you want for a summer?
Until the next time...just do it...
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